This is who I am

I have been in a rough place lately and I have felt like every aspect of my life has drained by affections for about anything. This week just brought me to a place of frustration with that feeling and anger that I would let it be okay to like that in life. I began with brokenness at the realization that I had let lies entangle me and rob me of joy. I had let the world get to me in all the places you can imagine. Now, in truth there have been some very difficult times in the past 6 months that warrant mourning and sadness, but this was beyond those emotions. Friday I just began to ask God (last sadly) to intervene to give me the words to even ask what was going on in my heart and my head. It was it, my rock was not set on Him. It was set on whatever I felt I could control for the time and because so much has been out of control lately.. it was on nothing. Hopeless right? I let my life and impact be robbed because of lies.

I was swiftly reminded that God is so gracious and He knew that about my heart, but still spoke to me. He knows my every thought and loved me any way.

It is so easy to get swept up in alternatives, I mean they are rampant. Jobs, school, friendships, churches, decisions, finances, etc. The options are limitless and we are blind without the defense of the word.

I was listening to the Shane and Shane CD, Everything is Different (rocks!) the song "This is who I am" just spoke to my heart and reminded me of my place. I will attach the chorus on hear, but I encourage you to look at the cd.

This is who I am
I’ve been born again
the Cross is my defense, my hope secured
now my life is in Your Hand
on Your every word I stand
Lord I’m finding who I am in all you are

Where are you finding all that you are? Are you willing to throw aside all that entangles you to be who He says you are, His son and daughter?

Won't you be my neighbor?

I am not going to talk about Mr. Rogers... but community made me think of the song. Weird I know!

I have been thinking a lot about community and living intentionally lately. Most of it probably draws into my deep longing for depth in relationships and having community again. However, I think the other part of it is deeply rooted in my call and desire for missions. I can't really remember a time since I have been a Christian that my heart didn't long to share His truth (even when it is dry here). I have really been thinking about missional living and using every opportunity to be engaged with our surroundings. It has made me think about how to do that here, rather than how to do it somewhere else (trust me I daydream enough about Romania, Hungary, Turkey, and China). I really believe that we can make a difference if we lived the gospel and were the church to our community. We could transform communities and the church!

What I am talking about is intentional community and community engagement. A lot of places have apartment careteams, but what about residential areas. Fear has us playing in the backyard, if we play at all. What if a group of Christians, intentionally lived in an area on purpose. What if they engaged the community that way. Normal things like cook outs, dinners, playing at the park... but not solo. Still having an inner circle of support that meets to study the bible and pray together...to encourage one another in love and good deeds.

I think we make it so difficult. We are used to hearing the gospel be compartmentalized and not integrated. We leave the missionary work, well to missionaries. Hate to say it, but umm we are all called to go and make disciples. Wherever we are.

Exact Need

Well as most of you know or have read our transition to Houston has been full of ups and downs! This week feels like maybe that up and down was put into fast forward mode. I believe we have found a church, approaching that hesitantly now because we are still gathering information about their small groups. But yah!!! Justin and I are in the full swing of graduate school now (tests, projects, papers, late nights, early mornings, etc). This week I just had a wave of overwhelming sadness hit my heart and it was so heavy. I called to those here that I know for prayer, reviewed some scriptures, and put on some peace giving music while at work...but it wouldn't leave. I know that I was being prayed for and lifted up. It still didn't fix or answer my heart's cry...surprise! Well, this morning it was like God said...let it go. I felt it in my heart, I pleaded and pushed it aside. I checked my email, several new emails and several very special encouragement notes. Thanks Lord. Get in the car and hear this woman on the Christian radio station sharing about how a song affected her, curious now...but didn't get to hear the song. Lucky for me, my commute is not short...so the next hour they played it again. It just HIT me like a brick. I am sharing the lyrics with you today because who knows..it may meet your exact need...because it did mine. Did it answer my question? No... but it calmed my heart and reminded me of what a great and mighty loving God we serve.

Your Hands
BY KATIE HERZIG, JJ AND DAVID HELLER
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world;Are holding me
They hold me still

Be Blessed!

Small Victories

One thing I have been trying to focus on recently is getting beyond the momentary. Does this really make a difference long term? Is this building a habit I want to have forever? Am I investing or just wasting? No, I am not just talking about money. For me, these are the questions I have to ask to think about a healthy lifestyle, one that has margin and balance. In school we have been talking about self-care and how it is necessary in helping professions. I think self-care should be necessary in all lives, thus why the God of the Universe had a sabbath. Honestly, how many of us take a day of rest? It took me back to Randy Anderson's class and I thought a lot about this wheel of life. I have to create this pattern now, while I am in school and while I do not have children. So, that when life changes I have routines for those things, I have an idea of what they look like and how life functions with them. So for two weeks now I have been paying attention to what robs me of joy, what brings me joy, what areas I need to evaluate, etc. It has been a healthy time for me to go to the Lord and be examined.

So I am celebrating small victories, amidst my insane schedule...(because if you know me you know I sign up for way too much)... I have found margin. I have had a total day of rest, no school, work, field, student government, chores, etc. Just things that bring my heart joy and make me sing a new song. I have also been able to dedicate time to healthy living by eating better, planning more, and being aware of my pitfalls. Yah! With that I have lost over 9 lbs and just put on a smaller size pants this week!

It is weird to plan to have time and margin, but for me it has worked. People have noticed and I have been able to share some of my Jesus because of it.

Go...take a sabbath...rest your weary soul in our saviors arms, he longs for it! It is worth it!

I am at a loss

I have been frustrated to say the least with our church search here. It has been a wide variety of disappointment from "seeker" sensitive, no bible using church, no community, etc. It is a drain to go out each week with hopes of finding a home, a refuge from the bruises of the world and to come home more beat up. I am shocked at the amount of performance that is in our churches today, lights, fog, random movies that have nothing to do with Jesus, songs that have nothing to do with Jesus, sermons that have nothing to do with Jesus, stories just for the sake of talking....I mean it is just overwhelming. But what hurts more is that 100's and 1000's of people go to these places content every week. Content to not be challenged. Content NOT to hear the gospel. Content not to sing of Jesus. Content to not have any sort of community. And pastors that are not preaching the gospel, why did you go into ministry? Did you forget the love that called you there? Did you forget the burning passion to see people saved? Are you not fearful of their souls?

My basis always is if I bring a lost person here am I confident that they will hear the gospel.. in the music...in the teaching.. in the prayers. I don't care how it is packaged.. I don't care what the building looks like.. I really don't care if you use fog, lights, and movies...if they show the gospel then bring it. But more times than not...it is just for the sake of presenting. Yah we talk about Jesus, we read his word...but do we even know what we are hearing. Do we even know what to do with that? Do we know why it is a problem?

I am tired...I am sure you can see.. I am hurting for this place... I want people to hear the gospel.. I need it preached into my life daily...I need community to call me out on the rug, to make me uncomfortable in my sin... to make me love the Jesus would love.

I am praying for God to send that kind of church here in Houston. Yah it is the stupid bible belt..but you know what... it is hurting for God fearing... Gospel preaching.. Gospel singing people. Do you need to plant a church? I got 4 members ready to go and help! hahaha