The B word...BUT

I have a bad case of the "buts" lately. Example: I know God's word says this about his character...but. I know God's word says I am....but. I know God has done this in the past...but. I know he can....but. BUT BUT BUT.

It has been a rough month. I have been reluctant to share because somehow saying it and writing it makes it feel more true. The long and the short of the story is, I have fertility problems. There is a lot more to it, which maybe someday I will feel okay to share. Right now we are still in the process of going to all the doctor's appointments and trying new medications. It came as a shock. One because we weren't really "trying" to have a baby at this point- so we didn't really know what was going on. Two because when you go to regular check up and physical, you just don't prepare for worst case scenario. At least I don't, well maybe now I will.

I took it hard. I cried a lot. I got angry. Heck I still do both. I am at that age when every single person I know is having their first, second, third baby. People already asked us when we were having kids because we have been married sooooooo "long" to be without children. I always had our packaged, prepared answer. We have definitely had times when it has been harder to wait than others, but we waited because we had this "plan." Last week It seemed like everyone and their grandma asked me when we were going to have kids. Fighting back tears, I tried to give strangers the packaged answer. I am trying to be honest with those close to us, because I think there is a lot to be said about community in times like this. I had this friend that callously sent that question to me in a text last week. I know this person didn't know, but it still cut deep. I was vulnerable briefly on twitter to say my response to this question is "maybe never." That should give some hint.

I keep going back to God's word and reminding myself that I know his grace is sufficient. To remind myself that he cares about the brokenness that I feel. To remind myself that he is good despite how I feel right now. To remind myself that he is the healer and miracle worker.