This week has been rough. A lovely doctor's appointment that ended with starting a brick load of new medications, ones that make me feel lovely. Sense the sarcasm. I was teasing J this weekend saying, "Great I get morning sickness, afternoon sickness, and evening sickness...without the hope of a second trimester break or the cute little prize at the end." Black heart I tell you. I do have to say I like this new doctor and she was excellent at fielding my zillion questions and really coming up with a plan that is workable. She was good at reminding me that I am not a lost cause and there are things that can be done. Yah!
Still if I am really honest, it sucks. It is hard knowing that this next year everything is put on hold to try to get my body out of whack and too try to get my body to a place where we can maybe have a baby. Those are just hard things to deal with and frankly I have been treating it as an injustice. I have been wronged, robbed. Ugh- black heart.
This weekend at church- we were singing How He loves us and I was just staring at the words and thinking "Do I really think that?" "Do I agree?".... I didn't have to because the Holy Spirit is so merciful to flood my heart with remembrances of just how much he loves me. To remind me that nothing I have in life is fair. He gives me grace to walk, talk, work, laugh, etc. This section of the lyrics really hit me this weekend, "When all of a sudden,I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,And I realise just how beautiful You are,And how great Your affections are for me." All things grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.
I am thankful for his intervention and reminder of his grace. It was a miracle band-aid for my aching heart, but it was a piece of truth to cling to right now. Despite how I feel physically, emotionally, spiritually...God's affections for me are great. He cares about how my heart feels, he longs for me to talk to him about it, and His goodness isn't determined by my present circumstances.
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