The dreaded week

** Warning if you are a dude reader-I will use the word "period" in this blog post :) **

So for me as a woman who struggles with infertility, there are some months when I can pretend I am "normal" for 3 weeks of the month. I don't have to face the reality that something is broken in me. I can live in a land of hope and excitement at the possibilities. Sometimes I can even make it through those three weeks without being scared or sad or mad. You know, unless a zillion people ask why we have had kids yet, or lecture me on how I am not getting any younger, or talk about how I don't know ANYTHING about ANYTHING until I have been a mom. Ok back on track.

BUT there is one week out of the month that I know that I am different and not normal. Why? Well, while most woman dread getting their period because it is inconvenient and not fun, but not because it means that another month goes by without being pregnant. While some see it as a relief (whew not pregnant this time) or (whew my body is working right). Some just feel overwhelmed with sadness, madness, brokenness, fear, frustration, etc that this little "aunt flow" came to visit. Then just to take the emotions up a notch.. sometimes "aunt flow" doesn't come and you find yourself all excited, hopeful, and then a little scared. Is it possible? Could I be pregnant? Or...is this my body failing even more? Ugh..please don't let it be that one. So, you go out and buy pregnancy tests and you buy like 5 because you are overly cautious and want to follow all the suggestions (there are about a zillion and a half suggestions on when to take a test to get the best results). Side note: Pregnancy tests are not CHEAP! Test first missed day: negative. 5th missed day: negative. 7th missed day: negative. Longest time between cycles test: negative. Ugh!

Now that $40 bucks is gone and the dang things still say negative. And I don't have a period. So, what does that mean? Oh a good phone call to the reproductive endocrinologist, an appointment, lots of blood draws, and probably some switching around of medication.... AND A BIG CRY. It also means, while everyone is chatting it up about their memorial day weekend, I am smiling...nodding....adding my casual convo...and most likely to a good majority of people lying. Not lying because I want to be deceitful, but because who really wants to hear about all that when you just want to talk about how awesome your 3 day weekend was and the cook out you went to and your kids swimming. I don't want people to stop talking to me about their weekends, because I can't be a normal person.

Don't get me wrong, I am not hopeless. I know that I have a BIG GOD who can do miracles. I have prayed for women in same place and see the ways He provides. I am not doubting that He can, just down and defeated in the waiting.