Death is not a concept that I am unfamiliar with, personally or professionally. I have lost several family members, some that are very near and dear to my heart. I have walked with close friends that even at our young age have lost a parent. I work in a cancer hospital, so I see and talk about death frequently. None of this means that the hurt and pain associated with loss has been any easier. In fact, I would say that it has made me long for the day when we don't have to experience this kind of suffering any longer.
Justin and I have experienced the sharp sting of death this weekend in a very personal way. On September 7, 2013, we lost our baby. It has been one of the most heart wrenching experiences I have endured. Exactly a month after we found out that we were pregnant, our baby was taken from us. We have been trying for years to have a baby. The positive result came as a complete shock and with overwhelming joy. I took three tests just to make sure I wasn't seeing things or I didn't get a faulty test.
The past month has been full of joy, thankfulness, and a slew of emotions that I can't even describe. We have prayed over baby G every night. Prayed that he/she would be a person that loves Jesus and people. Praying that as he/she grows that they would also grow into a person that loves people deeply and is full of compassion. Praying that we could be examples that lead this child to the cross. We prayed for health over and over. It has also been a month of me getting injections every night and taking extra medication to make sure my body could support this baby. All the while, thinking...it is going to be worth it.
Yesterday, all the joy...all the excitement..ended. Full of sorrow is the best way to describe it. Broken hearted, seems so minimal compared to the deep ache and hurt. A wound that hits the core. Friday we were a week away from the next sonogram. Saturday, I had the ultrasound to ensure my uterus was empty. EMPTY. We left the hospital empty. No baby and no pregnancy. It is such a helpless feeling, nothing you can do about it and nothing you can do to heal this hurt in your heart.
So, I laid in bed thinking..was it all worth it? Right now, I can't see why or how God will use this hurt. However, I know that our suffering is not meaningless. We are crying out to God asking him for healing. We are leaning into our community asking them to pray for us and walk with us through this dark time.
A dear friend sent us this link and although the words are tough to sing and tears are ever flowing, it is our hearts cry that this would not be meaningless.
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/a-song-for-the-suffering-with-john-piper
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